Off Duty
by harpandsword
Summary: You can't save the world 24/7. Stuff goes on between missions and training, stuff called life.
1. Too Much Tension

**A/N Bored and wrote this somewhat, okay were I being compelled by the lasso of truth, very, drunk. Grammar may not be great. Story might not be great. Read at your own risk. Anyhow, take this New 52! You and you're silly pairings. Superman and Wonder Woman? Really? That's like making a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich. It makes no sense. Then again, neither might the following. **

Diana, Wonder Woman, Princess of the Amazons, Themyscira's ambassador to Man's World, and founding member of the Justice League... had absolutely no idea what she was doing.

She had been on her knees beside Wally's vehicle for what felt like an hour, trying to prove that she could gain entrance by picking the lock. At this juncture, it seemed more likely that she would tear the offending door from its hinges than successfully gain entrance with this, "auto jiggler," a flimsy piece of irregularly shaped metal, the use of which had been demonstrated to her by a particular, pointy eared teammate. Said teammate had not only opened numerous car doors with the aforementioned implement, but had opened them so quickly and with so little effort that casual observers would have thought he had simply been using a worn key. Utterly frustrated, she threw tool to the ground and berated her compatriot.

"Wally, how does the fastest man alive not have time to look for his keys?"

Wally was standing next to her, leaning up against his van. His bright red suit nearly blended in with the van's own coloring. The expanse of red was broken only by yellow thunder bolts on either side and the words, "Wild Thing" emblazoned on the spare tire.

"How does someone who spends so much time with Bats not know how to pick locks?" He countered.

The glare Flash received in response might have melted lesser men, or at least men who were aware enough to realize they were being glared at by someone who could break them with a flick of the wrist should the fancy strike.

"I give up," she finally said in disgust. She stood and brushed the dirt from her legs.

"That's okay," Wally said as he grabbed the tool from where the Amazonian Princess had dropped it. He proceeded to insert it into the key way as he vibrated his hand. The plug spun and the door popped open with a satisfying click. He smiled at Diana. "I'm my own pick gun."

"Wally," she snarled. "Why. Didn't. You. Do that an HOUR ago?" She ground each word out slowly in a low, dangerous voice vaguely reminiscent of the teammate who's skill she was trying to emulate.

Wally shrugged, "Figured you needed the practice. Why would you bet Batman that you could learn any of his skills? Especially one that requires patience and finesse."

"What in the name of Hades?" She encroached into Wally's personal space and towered over the young man. "Wally, I'm a diplomat. I have plenty of patience and finesse," she growled.

"I see that," He said looking her up and down. "Well, good luck in the," Wally glanced down at where he would have worn a watch, "two hours you have left," then sped away forgoing the use of his garish van.

_Hera_, she thought to herself, dropping her head to her hands. How did this get from friendly banter in the mess hall to ridiculous bets? She knew the answer. It was all the scarlet speedster's fault. It was all his fault and somehow he was dealing with none of the fallout, as always.

* * *

**6 Days, 22 Hours ago**

"I'm just saying, Bats, you could teach your skills to all of the super powered members, and then it would be like having six super Batmen and you would have more time to go hang out with more super _models_ and maybe... introduce a couple of them to me?"

The crushed coffee cup wasn't Batman losing control to anger. It was his version of a polite warning to the younger man that he should shut up. Now.

"Seriously, Bats," he continued blithely as if nothing had happened. "What can you do that you couldn't teach say, Diana here?" He said indicating the Amazon princess who had been minding her own business, reading a book while she enjoyed her lunch in the cafeteria. She looked up at the mention of her name.

"Wally..." Diana started to interject and attempt to steer the conversation away from the direction it was headed. The direction it was headed was the police scientist finding himself alone in an air lock with Bruce at the controls. Or so she thought before the slighted party interjected with a surprising answer.

"Nothing," Batman said non-nonchalantly.

"Say what?" The Flash did a double take.

"I said, 'nothing,'" Batman continued. "I am a capable_ teacher_. There are none of my skills that I could not pass on to a capable _student_."

"So you're saying Diana isn't capable?" Flash continued to poke the bear.

Diana ignored the jibe until she heard the Dark Knight's response, "There are probably certain skills I possess which would run contrary to her natural proclivities."

"What?" She raided an eyebrow incredulously.

"I'm simply stating that we have different styles and methods. I doubt you would be comfortable with numerous skills I use on a regular basis."

"Name one," Diana leaned forward and placed her book on the table. She crossed her arms and awaited his response. She was fully engaged in the conversation now.

"What about lock picking?" Flash offered helpfully.

"How hard could that be?" Diana asked, now looking questioningly at Bruce.

"I don't find it difficult at all," he supplied a non-committal response.

"Lock picking it is. Do I have a deadline to learn this _arduous_ technique?"

"I'll allow you week. It is quite the difficult task," Batman said, his blasé tone making it all the more baiting.

"Agreed," Wonder Woman said with false civility so thin it was obviously meant to be seen through. "Why don't we begin immediately?"

Both heroes had completely forgotten Wally's presence by the time Diana stormed out forgetting her book and half eaten lunch and Batman stalked after her smirking.

Wally chuckled and rushed over to Diana's left overs which he began to eat with much fervor. J'onn floated over to where the youngest founder was finishing someone else's lunch with much gusto.

"That was adroitly done, Flash," the soft spoken Martian complemented.

"Yeah, it helps to be under estimated sometimes," Wally managed to respond not so much between bites, but at times when the food level in his mouth was low enough to allow sounds to escape.

"I imagine if this endeavor is successful, neither will mistake you for a callow youth again."

"Sure they will," Flash said while licking his fingers, having already finished off the entire tray.

"I will not. It is apparent to me that you think as fast as you run."

"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome," Flash said leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head, "Put me down for the end of the week, will ya?"

"Are you sure? I personally would lay my bet further out."

"Yeah, I'm sure." And with that, Wally sped out of the cafeteria as well.

* * *

**Present**

_Well, there's no delaying the inevitable, _Diana thought to herself as she activated her comlink. Perhaps she would get lucky and all her training and effort would coalesce into the skill she had been attempting to hone when she finally broached Batman's test. Without enthusiasm, she transported to the Watchtower, and then down to the cave.

It was dark and dank, as always. To her complete lack of surprise, Batman was out prowling the city and his faithful servant Alfred had been left to administer the test in his master's absence.

"Good evening, Princess Diana. I believe Master Bruce left your challenge and the appropriate tools on the work bench over there." The distinguished, elder man indicated a steel table which held a single pin tumbler lock held in a vice, a variety of implements for her to choose from, and, Diana noted, a large faced digital clock which was busily counting down the minutes to her failure. _How helpful of him, _she thought.

"I don't know if I should bother."

"Take heart, your highness," the butler encouraged. "There was a time when the great and powerful Batman became so frustrated with certain locks, he took his anger out on them with a plasma cutter." Alfred said in a completely dry manner but with an arched eyebrow that indicated the story was intended for her amusement.

The anecdote served it's purpose. Diana snickered and turned to work. Alfred smiled approvingly and walked upstairs, not wanting to disturb her or make her nervous. She continued diligently in silence until her timer indicated that there were only 10 minutes remaining. She let out a growl of frustration, then a expletive after she realized that she had crushed one of the flimsy tools in her ire. She released her grip and saw the imprints of her finger tips along the edges of the thin slip of metal.

"Too much tension, princess."

The sudden voice from behind caused her to leap into the air. Although, unlike most individuals, she did not immediately come back down to earth. She had spun to face an attacker who wasn't there. Upon recognizing the owner of the voice, she remained floating in the air, dragging her fingers through her long dark hair.

"HERA! I swear, Bruce, you could sneak up on Clark." She floated back down to earth and returned to the task at hand. "I still have ten more minutes," she called over her shoulder.

The Dark Knight ignored the comment as long strides carried him across the cave and directly behind her. She stiffened when she felt his body pressed to hers, but then relaxed as he slid his arms along hers and guided her hands back to the lock as he continued his instruction. He smelled of concrete dust, blood, sweat, and cordite. It was a heady concoction that had her mind anywhere but the mechanics of modern locks.

"It takes less than an ounce of pressure," he whispered across her cheek and Diana suppressed a shiver, "the same force required to depress a button on a keyboard. You're trying to force it and actually preventing the pins from being able to lock into place. Here."

He had his pupil release her death grip on the tension wrench and traced the underside of her index finger with his own until she was pointing at the lock. He set the extended finger to rest on the edge of the deformed tension wrench. "Just rest your finger on it," his breath warmed her cheek.

As she was paying attention to the inundation of sensation vice the lock in front of her, when the plug finally spun it caught her by surprise and she let out a very unwarrior like yip of excitement. Bruce smirked and walked away, but not before calling back to her, "Some things take finesse and patience. You can't force them. You have to feel them out and let everything fall into place." And with that he disappeared into the showers to remove the city's grim from his uniform and person. The princess stared after, speechless.

Alfred appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, startling her from her reverie. For a moment Diana wondered if Bruce had learned his stealth techniques from one of his martial arts masters or from his surrogate father.

"Would you like some refreshments before returning to the Watch Tower, your highness? There is a fresh pot of tea," the Englishman offered.

Diana did not hear a word the polite gentleman had just said. Instead she turned and stared at him quizzically.

"Did he just politely tell me that we're a very real possibility but I need to back off and give him time?

"You don't do subtlety very well do you, princess?" Alfred asked in a kind yet knowing manner.

"I grew up on an island of Amazon warriors. What do you think?" She asked, eyes alight with humor.

"Noted," Alfred acknowledged with a tilt of the head. "Well, in that case I will confirm you translation of Master Bruce's words... and also advise you to ignore them. Tea?"


	2. Tachypsychia part I

**There are authors out there in the world of fanfic dot net who update regularly and in a timely fashion. I am not one of those authors. However, I did write this one sober, so that's a plus right? Maybe there won't be any double words or sentences I obviously tried to rewrite but then accidentally left half of the original. (Huh, I should probably go fix that.) Then again, I wrote most of this after not sleeping for 36 hours so...who knows. Ah, the joys of working two jobs. Better than no job, am I right? Anywho, one of the reviews for the first chapter seemed to indicate that I had portrayed Wally as an idiot. Wally is not an idiot and I love him. Thus, new chapter. (See what happens when you leave reviews? You get entire chapters based on an off hand observation. Notice I didn't say good chapters, but chapters none the less.) Without further ado, Wally's chapter, purposefully filled with stream of consciousness and run on sentences because that's how I'd imagine he'd think. **

* * *

Sometimes, in moments of great stress, human members of the Justice League, neurons swimming in a bath of dopamine and norepinephrine, would have their perception of time slow down. During this phenomenon known as tachypyschia, the brain raced even faster than its normal millions of calculations per second in a desperate effort to prolong its existence. Leaguers would perceive their surroundings in slow motion. His or her vision would narrow in scope, focusing to a pinpoint, focusing on the threat.

But this never happened to The Flash. Wally West, the fastest man alive, lived his life in perpetual slow motion. If he were wont to metaphors, he might describe his existence as being forever immured within a waiting room, a waiting room where his number was called only once every thousand years. In fact, in a reversal of what his comrades experienced under pressure, Flash felt the relief of events proceeding at normal speed, as if he had previously been moving under water and broke the surface only after disaster struck. But even this release was short lived. As soon as the crisis was over, he was plunged back into the depths. In short, Wally had a lot of time to kill and proportionally few weapons.

His arsenal often included attempted pranks on those league members he perceived as stuffy or in need of a laugh. Unfortunately, when laying in wait for minutes feels like days, one tends to show his hand before such machinations can come to fruition. Not all of his attempts failed, though. After deciding Vixen was a little too overt with her affection for Green Lantern in front of Shayera, Wally defended his friend's honor by cutting a small piece of the super model's costume belt off every day. It took Vixen a month to figure out that she wasn't actually gaining weight. It took her significantly less time to discover the culprit. However, as Vixen assumed powers of animals and there were no cheetahs that ran at relativistic speeds, Wally had perpetrated his joke with impunity.

Practical jokes can only take up so much of one's day, though. Other times, he engaged in conversation to fill the interminable seconds. In these cases, it was generally his natural curiosity and frank nature rather than his impatience which tripped him up. But his perceived time dilation was still a hindrance. Talking involved so much waiting. There was the time it took for his questions to register with his fellow conversationalists, the formation of a response in their mind, the intake of breath, the expulsion of air, and then, ever so slowly, word by word, the answer. It made Wally one of the few individuals who actually preferred to communicate with J'onn telepathically. And, as one of the few individuals who truly understood the extent of Wally's predicament, the Martian did not blame him. Superman may live a million years, but Flash would live an eternity every day.

Flash's least favorite way to spend his excess time and the worst part of his day was when he was at work in his civilian identity. For eight hours, Wally West had to pretend to be slow, to take the requisite, _human_ amount of time with every task. It was like asking an elite marathon runner to crawl 26.2 miles.

Of course, Wally didn't always hate slow activities. He rather enjoyed his collection of B-rated sci-fi and horror movies. A large collection of video games of various genres adorned the shelf next to his television. In fact, he rather enjoyed slow things which could still catch his attention and for a few short hours, anchor him to the same time speed as everyone else he knew. It was with these activities where Flash held somewhat of an advantage. Whereas some people would look up at the clock after a long gaming session and be dismayed upon realizing they had wasted three hours of their life, Flash would look up at the same clock and be dismayed that he had _only_ wasted three hours of his life.

Despite his difficulties, Wally tried to be optimistic and friendly. For the most part, he succeeded. To look at him, one would think he hadn't a care in the world. Because of this friendly nature, and in an effort to delay inevitable insanity, he filled all his remaining extra time helping others in ways that, while more trivial than saving the Earth, were sometimes no less important to the individual receiving said help. It made Central City an interesting place to live as it was hard to imagine another city where the patron hero was as heavily involved with day to day life of the average citizen.

Most people would laugh at the idea of Superman standing around in a drug store, helping a citizen of Metropolis to select the perfect bursitis liniment, or Batman reading a bed time story to a group of orphans in Gotham. (Bruce Wayne? Maybe. It was more likely he'd donate money to keep the institution operating, but it could happen. Adding the cowl launched the scenario outside the realm of possibility, though it made for amusing imagery.) But this kind of interaction happened every day between Flash and the citizenry of his home city.

Today was no different than most. In a span of about an hour, Wally had solved a cold case at his civilian job (admittedly moving at super speed when no one was looking), imprisoned a member of his rogues gallery, painted the fence of a little old lady, visited the local orphanage to cheer up its occupants, grown bored at his apartment, beamed himself to the Watch Tower, visited the commissary, with enthusiasm, (in light of his metabolism and police salary, it was no wonder many of his meals were taken on the Watch Tower), and proceeded to speed around the space station he considered his second home until running into the aforementioned Dark Knight playing chess with Diana, Princess of Themyscira. To the young man in the red jumpsuit, he had taken his time with each task, giving each its due diligence, and had been extremely bored before stumbling upon this scene. This scene interested him. This scene was worth a wait.

Wally was a closet romantic, or at least he thought he was. His friends Shayera and Diana made a great show of 'abducting' him whenever movie night on the Watch Tower featured a romantic comedy. The idea was to help him save face in front of the male founding members. It was a futile attempt to fool a man with x-ray vision, a telepath, and the world's greatest detective, but they were all either too nice or too disinterested to tease him about it.

Wally's love of romantic stories extended to more than just movies. He enjoyed watching real life love stories unfold even more. However, watching real life relationships, which took more than two hours to evolve, could be difficult for him to cope with. Empty time he could at least fill up, whether he did so by hitting on a cute girl at the mall or running to New Zealand on a whim to see the glow worms of the Waitomo caves. (The latter was done mostly out of disbelief that such a place existed. Only later did he find out that Batman had told him of the caves in an effort to get The Flash to leave him the hell alone.) But Wally could only affect _his_ speed. He couldn't make others go faster.

Superman and J'onn had both told him that the relationship unfolding in front of him was moving at a fine pace and would sort itself eventually, but to poor sweet Wally, with a heart as big as the universe itself, and whose perception of time made the world crawl by at an unbearable pace, it seemed to be at a stand still and in dire straights. In fact, most of the relationships amongst his friends seemed that way to him. Superman may take on Dark Side without blinking an eye but it seemed as if he may never gather the courage tell Lois Lane how he felt about her. Green Lantern and Hawkgirl were still dancing around each other ever since the latter's return, and as for the two in front of him...well he couldn't imagine them dancing around each other so much as sparring, circling around each other, seeking out vulnerabilities, striking out when the opportunity presented itself. He shook his head. He'd already lost too much money in the Watch Tower betting pool on these two.

_Maybe I'll stick around, _Wally thought to himself. _See if I can't push things in the right direction. _

"Check," Diana pronounced as she gave a friendly wave to Flash, the breeze from his entrance still blowing in her hair.

The Dark Knight growled something in return but to call it speech would probably be too generous.

"Wisdom of Athena," Diana replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Batman considered the chess board. In the few seconds it took him to deliberate on his next move, Flash grew weary and would have left had he not thought witnessing someone best Batman at _anything_ was well worth some tedium. Finally, Batman moved, stood up, and left.

"Why would you do that? Your queen is vulnerable now. Quitting, Bruce?"

"Look at the board not the pieces, Princess," he called over his shoulder without breaking his stride.

Diana considered the board in its entirety. It only took a few moments to realize that no matter her next move, he would not need his queen, as her king was trapped by a bishop, a rook, and... a knight. Diana picked up the black, horse shaped piece and turned it over in her hand. Its unique style of movement made it difficult for her to tell which way it was coming from. It had a tendency to catch her off guard. She smiled to herself as Flash took the opportunity to rush into Batman's now unoccupied seat.

"Wondy!" he admonished. "I stood still for like...five whole minutes in the hopes of seeing someone beat dark and scowly."

"Careful, Wally," she replied with no real malice, "Or the next time I put my lasso around you to 'force' you to movie night I might just have you pronounce your love of Meg Ryan instead."

"Cold, Wondy. Cold."

"Hmm..." she said, smile falling from her face, "seems to be going around." She was speaking more to herself than Wally. It was obvious that her thoughts were not in this room as she placed the chess piece back on the board.

"What, Bats?" Wally questioned in disbelief.

She quirked an eyebrow in response. It had always seemed that there was no love lost between Gotham's savior and Central City's lovable goofball of a hero. "You disagree?"

"Bats doesn't have a whole lot of time."

Diana blinked at the apparent non-sequitar.

"He's not like me or Supes," Flash explained. "He can't move at super speed. He's not immortal like you. Unlike the John's he has family obligations. Let's see he's taken in," Flash pretended to count on his fingers, "at least three orphans that I know of. Another strike against that cold theory, but not my point right now. Oh, and he runs a multi-billion dollar company. All of this he does when he's not patrolling the streets of Gotham."

"I see your point," Diana acquiesced. "Asking him for time out of his already hectic schedule is a bit selfish..."

"That's not my point."

"But..."

"Let me finish," Flash gave a placating gesture with his hands that was just a little too fast. "On top of that, he's a part time member of the Justice League."

Diana waited. When it became evident she had not yet grasped Wally's point, he continued.

"Don't you get it?"

"I'm not sure where you are going with this, Wally."

"He's a part timer, here, with the League."

"I'm afraid I am still not following..."

"Look how often he's here! When was the last major mission he wasn't involved in? And that's his idea of _part_ time."

"I agree. He overextends himself."

Wally shook his head vehemently. "No, no, no. My point is that this is his idea of part time commitment. It exceeds what most people would deem full time commitment."

"So you're saying..."

"Imagine how much of his attention he would have to give you before he considered it 'enough.' He won't allow himself any less. And if he can't give you that much, then he won't give you half measures. Now am I making sense?"

Diana considered the young man's words. He had made some valid points. And while she far outstripped him in terms of years spent on earth, she sometimes wondered if the Speed Force was causing him to prematurely gain on her in terms of experience. Unfortunately, she didn't like the conclusion she came to based off of Flash's insight. "That doesn't bode well for us."

"I just said he was a busy guy. How often do you see him stop to play games with anyone else on the Watch Tower?"

Diana pondered this for a moment, and then smiled. "Flash, have I ever told you that you can be strangely perceptive?"

"I have a lot of time to people watch," Flash beamed and pretended to polish his nails against his uniform.

"Hmm...per chance you should be watching a little less Meg Ryan, though."

"What about Sandra Bullock?"

"Maybe. Depends on how quiet you keep this."

"Di, most of the Watch Tower already knows."

"What?"

"People watching, remember? The Flash hears all the good gossip," he said pointing to himself with his thumbs.

Wonder Woman was about to counter that Kal probably heard a great deal more than Wally did but at that moment an explosion sounded from somewhere on the station.

"Great Hera," Wonder Woman exclaimed. Flash on the other hand, looked more nervous than surprised.

"Uh, oh," Flash blurted.

"Wally, what did you do?" Diana accused.

"How do you know it was me?"

Diana crossed her arms. "Wisdom of Athena."

To Be Continued...maybe...hopefully sometime this decade**.**

* * *

**Okay, okay. So it was HALF a chapter. **

**I would like to say thank you to all the people who favorited and reviewed the first chapter. I was actually planning on leaving that as a stand alone but people seemed to like it so I figured I'd try another. Then again, those people may be at this very moment regretting their decision and the literary horror they instigated. Either way, there's only one way to let me know. Well I guess you could trace my ISP and show up at my house, but that would be creepy and the review button below is much more convenient. **


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